What cult fits you best?

So you want to be a cult member (don't we all?), and that means that you'll have to be prepared for some simple, yet important, lifestyle changes. This guide is an attempt to get you accustomed to the new and changing field of "cult memberism." Feel free to get a pencil and paper and take notes.

The first step to becoming a mindless drone cult member, is to abandon those you loved before you found your cult of choice. By breaking your ties with "sane" and "reasonable" people, you will better be acclimated to your new way of life. Also, people who haven't found the love of __________ [insert cult leader's name(s) here] can't understand how you feel or why you will be doing the things that make you a good cult member.

I'll bet you feel better already. After shedding the people of your past, you must now shed your worldly possessions. Owning a radio or a computer will harm the leader's ability to indoctrinate you with the propaganda that will rule your every thought. By removing the connection with the outside world, you will be less likely to realize your morbid fate destiny.

At this point you should be without friends, family, and any possessions except what clothing you're wearing (and if you're not wearing any clothing, then you should put some on). If so, great! If no, go back to the beginning of the guide and try again.

Once you're alone and without anything to tie you to the "normal" world, you are ready to join your brother's and sister's in your cult of choice's HQ. Most cult HQ's will be in the middle of nowhere, as being away from people is better for teaching the cult's members the rules and goals of the cult. Go to your cult of choice's HQ and tell the person at the door/gate that you want to join the group. They may ask a question or two, but you should be able to tell the truth and they should let you in. If you're not 100% serious about joining a cult, this is the point of no return, as trying to flee the cult may result in your meaningless death.

If you've made it this far, you're inside your new home! Congratulations! The complex that you're in will be the last home you'll ever live in. Important: do not explore the complex. I can't stress that enough. If you find a locked door, leave it alone. If the door is locked, your leader has locked it for your safety. Also, don't question restricted areas, they are normal in any complex. You should become acquainted with the complex so that you know how to get to your room (you will probably share your room with most, if not all, of the other members), get to your chores (you gotta lend a helping hand), and get to the bathroom (very important to know where the bathrooms are). Once you know how to quickly navigate the complex in case of a police raid, you're ready to start the learning process.

In order to achieve the ultimate goal of your selected cult (may it be riding off on a comet, becoming a god born into a new human's body, or just plain mass suicide), you must believe everything that you are told to know. Whatever your leader(s) says is better than the word of God (but you don't believe in God, because religion is detrimental to the cult's culture). As long as you do what you're told and never question authority, no matter how crazy it may seem, you'll do just fine.

After a few months of doing meaningless work and wearing the same white robe, you'll be informed that "the time is drawing near." If you know what that means, you're a step ahead of the game, if not, don't worry, I'll break it all down for you. When you're told that "the time is drawing near," you should begin preparing for the cult's ultimate goal. When "the time" will arrive, you may not know, but you should be ready at a moment's notice. This is the worst time to remember your past life because if you chicken out now, you'll be blacklisted and never get into another cult ever again, so don't mess it up.

A few days will pass and then it will be time for a final ceremony. You will be given instructions on your role and you are expected to do whatever job(s) you're assigned. If you're lucky, you'll get to hand out spoons and if you're unlucky, you'll be in charge of first-wave cleanup. If you have a chance to request a job, request a job that places you in the first-wave of "true believers" to reach the ultimate goal (you can thank me later for that tip). Assuming everything goes according to the master plan, you will reach your cult's goal in a few, hopefully painless, hours.

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What cult fits you best?